T Do
I have been dreaming a lot lately, and usually I'll remember everything in those few moments after immediately waking. And then as I brush my teeth and shower, those memories will start to disappear, and I find myself grasping at them, trying to hold on to those fleeting moments.

Here are some excerpts I remember, some more detailed than the other.

-Dancing to Smack That by Akon with 3 girls. Just the 4 of us in the room or wherever we were. Don't remember the context. And that's all I remember about the dream.

-Bob Stoops called me to play LB against Nebraska. We lost 45-13. I don't remember how well I played or when I came into the game. So just looking at the score, either I came in at the end of the game and played well, or I started and played horrible. Or Landry could have thrown like 7 pick 6's. Then the score would have been out of my hands.

-Last night's dream. I was leaving class, but the building was super futuristic. Completely made of glass. All the entrances were sliding doors, etc. I had wanted to get out of there quick. A couple of my classmates had stayed back to eat lunch. I remember running after someone asking if she wanted to carpool to our next destination, wherever that was I don't know. In my pursuit, I happened to drop my new iPad 2 that I didn't notice I was carrying. The screen popped off in the same way a snap on protective case would pop off the phone. I don't know if the iPad 2 could have been fixed or not. I just laid there on the asphalt, right next to the iPad, crying my eyes out. Then, I remember looking inside the iPad and trying to understand how it worked. My motives remain unclear; it could have been to build my own iPad and sell it to make money, or just plain old curiosity.

Any dream interpretors out there want to lend me a hand?

T Do
T Do
Sleepless nights bring out the diary writer in me.

For as long as I can remember, I have been on an impossible quest. One that no mortal person can ever finish. Seeking it has probably ruined many relationships.

PERFECTION

I realize that it is unattainable. But that doesn't stop me from seeking it. It has made me afraid of failure.

Example, I get extremely anxious when put on the spot, when all eyes are turned towards me. I used to be pretty good with this in elementary school. Spitting correct answers left and right. Raising my hand so often, I would switch to the left arm because the right became exhausted.

But now, public speaking has got me figuratively sweating buckets. My heart races. My eyes dart around the room looking for anything to say. My fingers massage each other. I frantically search my brain for the right combination of words.

It's not just public speaking. Anything where I am the center of attention. Anything where I'm not 100% sure I'm perfect. There's that word again.

Afraid of putting myself out there. Afraid of failure. Afraid of embarrassment.
That's why I hide behind a blog no one can find. It's no longer linked. And the followers I had are long gone now (Thanks Tumblr =D).

So sometime between elementary school and now, something went wrong.
Time to start anew.
Time to try new things. And if I fail, I'll laugh with everyone else and move on.
Time to embrace IMPERFECTION.
I'm here.

T Do